Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My UNhappy Birthday


Let me start at the beginning. At my first Dr's appointment when they did a ultra sound the baby was measuring 4 weeks behind my period due date... kinda scary but not to big of a deal I ovulate late. So the Dr said come back in a week and we will see if the baby is growing well the sack grew and we were told to come back in a week to see the baby. Well during that next week we had planed a birthday weekend to go to San Diego just me Bryan and Kooper. I was so excited. Mom was keeping the 3 older kids and I was getting a much needed break. On the way to San Diego I had started spotting. I was a nervous but not to worried I spotted with Kooper. As the day went on it started to get worse so we went to the hotel and just took it easy. Well the next day Sunday we decide since it really wasn't getting any worse we would go for a walk down the beach while we were out it started to get worse so we spent the rest of the day just laying around napping at the hotel. On Monday I started bleeding more and by now I was super worried and thought I had lost the baby. I had a Dr appointment for Tuesday already so we just took our time going home on Mon. SO when we went in on Tuesday the Dr said some thing I thought I would never hear.... They baby grew.... "What" I had bleed so much I never thought I could still be pregnant.... So we went home and I was so confused and almost relived but not. That night I woke up to miscarrying the baby:( I was so sad. I told Bryan and he said at least it wasn't on your birthday.... only buy a couple of hours.... but still.... SO I called the Dr and they got me right in on Wen.... My BIRTHDAY.... he said that he felt that we really needed to do a D&C because my body hadn't passed every thing and I was bleeding a lot and he was afraid I would bleed to much trying to pass it all..... so we did the D&C that evening. Not a fun birthday present at all.

Now to the question every one wants to know.....How am I doing?...... Well this is kinda a not so cut and dry. I know in my head and my spirit know it was part of the plan and that it wasn't meant to be. That this was an experience that I needed to have to grow and learn. However I am so disappointed and sad. I cry allot and for no reason at all. I have no control at all over my emotions and just want to be back to normal. I know it takes time and that I have to go though this as part of my trial. I have found my self saying more prayers and growing closer to my Heavenly Father. Bryan has given me so many blessing and that has really helped. In fact he gave me a blessing the night before my second ultra sound and in it he said that, "the decision had already been made" I knew then in my heart that the baby wouldn't make it but still I hoped it would. I know that we still have another child meant to come to us and that we will get pregnant again and that I will be ok.... hopefully better than ok:)

The kids are really helping they come up and give me hugs and kisses every time I am crying and are a nice distraction... since I still have to be a mom and a fully functioning person even when I don't want to be.

My mom has been a huge help she has been taking great care of my kids. She even kept Kooper who is still nursing at night, the night of my D&C so I could get some much needed sleep, since I couldn't nursing him for 24 hours. Mom thank you for helping and being a shoulder to cry on and an all around great friend.

Bryan has been AMAZING. He has been there for me every step of the way holding my hand. I couldn't ask for a better friend and husband. He did every thing Thursday so I could just lay in bed and cry. He is a amazing dad too :)

I want to thank my sister and sister in laws for their love and support and letting me know they are there but letting me have my space and time but there as soon as I need them. I am so lucky to be blessed with such wonderful sisters.

Thank you to all that have prayed for our family the prayers have really helped and with time every thing will just fine!

I know that every trial has a equal blessing. I am still watching for my blessing(s). I know that it is here some where:)